Miles: 1,916.7 — A migraine, a stomach ache, and the infamous Mahoosuc Notch made for one of my most mentally taxing days. We scrambled boulders and crawled through caves for hours, pausing for perfect spring water halfway. Dizzy and drained, I convinced Miles to stop early—a choice that revealed some hard truths about my habit of justifying what I want instead of simply saying it.
If I thought yesterday was hard, I was in for a rude awakening. I woke up with a rare migraine and stomach ache. I probably hadn’t had enough water. I had been too picky about my water sources and I was paying for it. We made it over Fulling Mill Mountain and down to the dreaded (or wildly anticipated?) Mahoosuc Notch.
The HARDEST (or most fun?) Mile on the trail. Before we began the notch we sat on the first boulder and drank energy drinks. I ate an XL Bar and a Larabar and then, we were on our way. We helped each other around and over the boulders, through caves, and navigated sections where there were three different blazes. Halfway through we got the most amazing spring water.
I had a hard time. Mentally, this section drained me. Physically it would’ve been fine if it weren’t for the raging migraine I had. By the time we got out of the notch, 3 hours later, I felt dizzy. I laid down at the first campsite I saw. I didn’t even set up, just laid with my head on my pack on Miles’ sleeping pad. He comforted me. I felt awful. He wanted to keep going. I hemmed and hawed. I was too afraid to tell him I wanted to stop here. Afraid that he would leave me again, I made excuses and tried to justify staying here even though we were on a deadline.
I had to be in a wedding on September 19. I had hoped to summit Katahdin and be done with the trail by then. This break, and all the other breaks I’d taken up to this point, would probably put me behind schedule.
I didn’t want to keep going that day. It had been a mental struggle from the start. My head was pounding. Part of it, I think, was really actually stress. I didn’t want to admit it but the trail would be over in less than 300 miles. Less than two months. It was July and we weren’t even at the 100 Mile Wilderness yet. I was over a month behind goal. “Goal” didn’t really matter. I tried to remind myself. I’ve never pressured myself to stick to a schedule, so why was I now? This is the one time, probably in my entire life, where I make the decisions, I make the rules, I choose happiness, I have complete freedom. So why was I so afraid to just say, “I want to stay here tonight.”
I could’ve caught Miles the next day or two days later. I could’ve called my parents and asked if they’d pick me up for the wedding instead. I could’ve stuck up for what I wanted but I didn’t. I convinced Miles to feel bad for me and stay with me. For that manipulation tactic, which I’m sure he knew the motive of and completely saw coming, I am sorry. I realized immediately after I did it what I had done: manipulated him into camping with me. I realized in that moment that I’d done it multiple times before. I felt ashamed. I set up my tent and didn’t talk to him. I got us both water at the flowing river that was actually clear nearby.
I vowed to myself to work on this. To see it when it’s coming and not do it. Or to just SAY WHAT I WANT IN THE FIRST PLACE AND STOP JUSTIFYING MY ACTIONS.
I went to sleep in my tent at 3pm. Some hikers set up and made dinner nearby and respectfully stayed away from me while I slept. My face felt hot. I worried I might have a fever. I talked myself down and told myself I was being ridiculous. I went to sleep for the night and felt awful both physically and mentally. Tomorrow is a new day, I told myself. A day to get on track and be a better person. A day to get back on track.